DEFINITELY NOT “SMALL TALK”
Oh man is this a loaded topic, and honestly a hard blog to write because I feel like comments about a person’s body are murky waters, whether you are giving or receiving them. So I want to take a deep breath and dive into it gently and acknowledge that there are no easy answers or simple “tricks” to this. What am I talking about? Handling comments made about your health/weight at a holiday gathering and the flip side, commenting on someone’s health/weight. I think the “ideal” answer would just be to say to every human being, “Don’t do it today, and probably not ever,” but we don’t live in that space. We live in a world where things get said or we want to say things, and it happens. So what do we do?
Up first I want to talk about managing the situation when you are on the receiving end of a comment or discussion. Then I will turn the table and get into when you might want to do the same thing. You may find that at different points in your life and journey you can be in both places, or just one of them. Wherever you are, I hope you will consider the points I make here.
“You’ve put on some weight, huh?”
“Should you be eating that?”
“What happened?”
“I’m concerned, and just want to make sure you’re okay?”
You didn’t ask for this.
First and foremost, there is really no circumstance where these kind of comments are warranted, UNLESS you started a discussion and did ask the person’s opinion. Do not fall into the mental trap of convincing yourself “Well yeah, I deserve the remark,” even if you are conscious of your weight. Regardless of what you are or are not working on, you deserve a peaceful holiday gathering as much as every other person there. Remind yourself of that as much as you need to!!!
You can be upset, very upset even.
Let’s be honest, when you are someone who is struggling with issues surrounding their body you have probably thought about getting these comments/questions before and if anything they are a part of your “Things that could go wrong tonight” list when you are preparing for the event. Hearing any of the phrases above or a variation on them can be jarring and upsetting. Your feelings in this situation are valid, and do not let anyone try to tell you to “calm down” or it is “not a big deal.” Your primary focus in response should be what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sometimes that includes responding and sometimes it does not. It may mean walking away or it may mean leaving the event entirely. Only you know what is best for you when you are upset.
They mean well… Seriously.
This next point is challenging but in the end, in most circumstances, as misguided as their approach or words may feel, the person speaking does believe they are being helpful. I am not by any means implying you need to agree with their definition of helpful, or excuse the behavior, but when giving context to your reaction it is okay to remember that these are not topics we’re trained to discuss so the comments may come from a place of not understanding but with good intent.
Do not let yourself be belittled or devalued.
You do not deserve nor should you accept someone attacking or trying to play on your insecurities. We know that families are not perfect and you may indeed encounter someone who is being intentionally hurtful or manipulative in their words. Standing up for yourself is hard some times, but important.
You determine your participation and response.
That said, you get to control your response in the situation. Depending on who brought up the topic, your relationship with them, and also your mental well being, you decide how much you actually engage in this discussion. Like I said above, you are 100% empowered to have no response and walk away! You can pull the person aside and express your feelings about their words. Or any plethora of options in between. The key point here is, it is up to you.
Be open but honest.
Toss aside the snarky comments people make for a moment. In this point I am talking about a loved one expressing genuine concern. That can be very hard to hear for sure, but can also sometimes be a reflection point we need. This is murky water, but one you can tread. You can appreciate their concern, and not be willing to talk more. It’s okay to say, “I hear you but I do not want to talk about this right now.” And this is not just because it is a holiday gathering, this may just be a conversation you are not interested in or ready for at the moment. The person speaking to you had time to prepare their thoughts, you did not. So speak to that as you need to.
Be firm, and respectful of yourself above all.
And finally a reminder that when you are feeling disrespected or attacked, you do not need to please the person doing the attack! You do not need to apologize to them for anything and you certainly do not need to worry about their feelings. Worry about your own! Am I a broken record saying you did not ask for this? So be it! Don’t forget that. A respectful discussion between two people who care about each other is one things, being caught off guard at a social event? That is a different animal entirely.
I hope that I have brought some perspective to what one goes through when you are on the receiving end of the comments or concern. The overall point is that this will never be an easy position to be in and know that you are not expected to handle it perfectly well when it does happen. That said, what about the other side?
— On to the other side of this discussion. —
In this scenario you are the person who wants to make a comment. I know, your first thought might be “I would never do that!” But it may not be that simple. There are times when we are working on our own journeys and finding success that we can want to talk about it with people we believe are repeating mistakes that we have worked through. It is the “I have been where you are and I want to help” thoughts. Most likely you are not considering the snarky jabs or snide comments we went through in the first part of this blog, but you might be considering saying things like:
“Oh man, do you know what’s in half the food on your plate?”
“I used to be your size so I know what it is like, I can tell you what I did if you want?”
“I just want to help.”
I am going to be as direct as I can be here with my advice. Consider the following when deciding if this conversation is appropriate:
Did they ask for your advice or input?
Do you really think a holiday gathering is the right place for a deep discussion?
What is your relationship with this person in general? ie. Would this be your first conversation in months?
If you have “been there,” would you have really wanted someone to confront you at a gathering about this topic?
The answers to these questions are probably leading you to realize that a holiday gathering is just not the right place to express your concerns no matter how heartfelt or deep they are. Seriously, even if you are upset by how concerned you are about someone’s health, Christmas Eve at Grandma’s is just not the right place to bring it up. And in the end it may not be your place to bring it up ever. Please consider that you need to find a different time and place to express your concerns if you feel that you must. And regardless, the person you are speaking to will not owe you a response or a reaction.
You may be reading this thinking I am being dramatic about this side of the issue but it one that I get asked about a lot. I commonly get DMs that read “I really want to talk to my cousin/son/husband/etc about their weight, how do I do that?” I want to whole heartedly validate that your concern may be very real, and coming from a place of caring not judgment. My response to these inquiries usually includes that there may not be a right time to ever have that discussion, and the person may be deeply hurt by you broaching that topic and may not want to talk to you, possibly for some time. Instead I encourage them to look for opportunities where the person themselves shows they are open to the conversation, whether they directly ask for assistance or they bring up the topic in general. I will however say that any attempts at communicating your concerns should be one on one, and face to face, or at minimum on a live call. This is never a conversation to have over text message! If your concern is real and your desired outcome is to be supportive of your family member or friend, you will be willing to do the work and wait until you have the proper opportunity to speak.
I hope that you take the message here to heart and never see a holiday gathering as the place for this discussion, even if it is just about food! You never know what a person is going through or dealing with in regards to their relationship to their body and to food, and a well meaning but mistimed comment may be more hurtful than helpful in the end.
From the length of my writing here I think you can see what I meant when I said this would not be a simple or easy topic to tackle, and honestly I am not even sure if my words completely do it justice. These are situations in the end that we must feel our way through and be willing to take care of ourselves, and willing to care for others in the way they need, not necessarily how we might want to in the moment. Whatever your thoughts may be after reading this, I would love to discuss them with you. Even if you disagree with me! So please feel free to email me at mike@theketoroad.com or DM me on Instagram.
